2018 was all kinds of wack. I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I’m gonna be honest about that. I spent most of my days drowning in my chronic invisible illness and praying to the powers that be to show this little ole me a tiny bit of mercy…just a fuckin’ dollop.

Every step I took was heavily calculated, I had to take into consideration what every daily activity came with, was it worth it? Having to go to the bathroom in the morning was and has been an occurrence that I did NOT look forward to, AT ALL. The kicker is, that was just one “small” task out of many that required too much wellness that I have become deficient in more and more over the years since this all began.

And though there are years I’ve left in the dust (time I can never get back, time that I was robbed of because of my illness), I’m making a choice to keep pushing forward in hopes that this year to come will provide me with 365 opportunities to turn all of this madness, chaos, sorrow and pain, around.

So universe, here I am, a vessel for life and spirit that you allow to pulsate through this shell, I humbly ask that you grant me the mercy I so beg for. I ask that you clear a path to joy and wellness, that you lift this grief of the loss of self, that you provide me with the tools to better cope with the cards that have been dealt.

Right before the year was up (literally on NYE), I missed a call from my neurologist and a voicemail was left. When I listened to it, my Dr’s voice came thru softly, informing me that there was nothing more they could do with medicine….that all they can advise now is surgical intervention. When I tell you my heart skipped a beat and dropped into my stomach……

I knew eventually this is where I’d end up, all this medicine was just a band-aid, and it was all just delaying the inevitable. But, I had no idea how much denial my body and soul were in. All of the rationalization in the world couldn’t prepare me for how willfully clueless my physical and inner being had become. Just telling myself I could keep going like I have. And I gotta be honest….even with all the facts laid before me…..I’m in no rush to take that invasive AF step, especially with no assurances.

I’ve been poked and prodded so many times over the course of these past few years, the recovery traumatizing and almost as bad as the illness itself, I think it goes without saying that I am not down for all of this, I’m in no rush (no matter what I stand to lose if I don’t do it).

On top of living in this mess of an existence and all that comes with it as a disabled body in a world that caters mostly to the able bodied (mind, body, and soul), and by world….I mostly mean America (can’t fully speak on places I have no real experiences with), I have to now deal with the fact that there is a potential procedure in my grasp that has high failure rate and a recovery that will surely rival hat of my recovery from the blood patch I had two yrs ago that I legit thought I was fucking dying.

I tell ya, it’s hard to not wonder what I could’ve done to deserve all of this. I know, I’m risking sounding entitled; who am I to NOT deserve all of this, right? But I have to ask, I have to know or this is all just more a haphazard mess of an existence than I’d care to admit and/or be a part of.

Ok, ok, existential reeling aside, I am still choosing to find comfort and joy in some small things (how every difficult that may be), and getting dressed is one of them.

This look isn’t the craziest, more is more, straight fiya ensemble I could come up with, but it’s still pretty bomb in all of its lowkey glory. When I have nothing left to give the boys and girls of the world, I find pieces that do all of the talking for me. I find pieces that can bring my personality forward as effortlessly as possible, because most times…I’m too sick to be bothered with the song and dance that is an introduction, I let my stunt speak for me. #StuntOnDesHoes #StuntLikeMyDaddy

For instance, instead of a plain pair of jeans or an average pair of bottoms…..why not make it a pair of berry colored pants? Why not then pair it with a sateen floral-printed bomber? Why not throw on some sparkly kicks? Why not seal the deal with a rad pair of pink cat-eyed sunnies? Alone these item sizzle, together they pop. I’m all about the pop. #SnapCrackleAndPopOnDatAss

This is how I speak to the world without having to say a word, and for a person like me and in my condition, that’s incredibly valuable and beyond important.

What I’m Wearing:

Sunnies from Buffalo Exchange. $9 (Alternative HERE & HERE)
Necklace from forever21. $6.90 (from ages ago)
Jacket from Charlotterusse. $20 (On sale, Alternative HERE)
Top from Forever21.com. $17 ???
Pants from Ashleystewart.com. $23 (On sale, Alternative HERE)
Sneakers from Mandie. $15 (On sale, Alternative HERE)

Do you ever feel yourself drifting into a rut? Or….I don’t know….like life is far too overwhelming with the day to day that you find yourself almost paralyzed with the task of figuring out how to stunt on these hoes on a regular basis?

It’s almost as if you’re spending more and more time just staring blankly into your closet, not knowing what in the actual fuck to wear. And it’s not for lack of options (at least in my case, at least one time or another in my life), it’s just something you don’t have the time or energy to deal with. Maybe you’re running late to work, or you’re prepping for a holiday party and got so caught up in the madness that you forgot to get ready, now here you are (AGAIN), standing and staring into the clothing abyss.

As a person with many things on my to do list, very little ability, energy, and/or health manageability/ #WellnessWindows to climb through, it’s imperative that I fill my closet with not just the quintessential “Basics” in a wardrobe….but I need stand-alone “Hero pieces” that require little to no thought or effort.

I am just about a step down from a maximal-ist as it is, so statement is my middle name and unless I’m legit dying (and to be honest…even then), a bitch like me stays ON. I can’t help it. A common sentiment I’ve come across when I started this disabled journey in 2013 was that as an unwell person, I had better present as such or not a damn soul would believe me. I learned early on that I had to practically wear rags to my doctors appointments as a performative measure….just to break down the great wall of bias these so called doctors have so sturdily built around their minds (and sometimes their hearts).

The thing is, just because I’m half dead most of the time…..that doesn’t mean I am dead, it doesn’t mean that the person I was prior to becoming disabled isn’t who I am still. Jamila still resides in me under all of the rubble left behind by the chaos that ensues once you become sick. I was an active, adventurous, booked & busy, career driven, flossin’ ass bitch before all of this. I’ll be damned if I won’t fight tooth and nail to hold on to that sassy, talented, stylish and intelligent woman I’ve always been just because I can’t get out of bed most days.

It’s almost as if they truly think that all of your fabulous clothes just *poof* vanish or turn into tattered rags, like a scene from Cinderella, just because you’re in need of medical care. The art of getting dressed has such a deeper meaning for a lot of folks; it’s possibly the most effective act of self-care one could practice. If there’s even a tiny wellness-window I’m bustin’ through that sucka and I’m going to do my all to maximize on it. I WILL, paint my nails, I WILL wear that sequin dress to the corner store, I WILL wear hot pink lipstick to my doctors appointment, I WILL rock my glittery sneakers everywhere I go. This is how I show myself I care about me, this is my protest to all the things I absolutely cannot change.

I work entirely too hard to reclaim my time so I refuse to allow some close-minded ablest S.O.B dictate what’s “normal” and/or standard for me. More importantly I won’t let their innate urge to shame me into looking like a fuckin’ trash bag just to appease their ideal or picture of what disabled looks like, especially if it’s something I can help.

This is not to impose my methods onto you, especially if you yourself are dealing with something similar, this is genuinely just who I am and my methods of coping and existing in the world.

Now, you may be wondering where I’m going with all of this baggage I’ve just unpacked on you; though I’m speaking primarily to my fellow #DisabledMamis and my swaggy AF #InvisibleIllnessBaes, I’m also attempting to appeal to folks who may not even have these types of health problems and/or plights. I want everyone to be able to shut em’ all the way down with the utmost ease no matter what shitty curve ball life is throwing you, if you so choose….obvi.

Which brings me to what I plan on addressing in my next post; I’ll be talking more about my go-to hero-pieces, what to look for and why they’re so so so important, for now….let’s just get into this here look.

I honestly don’t know where to begin, every single piece is so completely off the chain.

Ok, how about this jacket? I remember going on and on about it in a prior post a few months back and also raving about it all over social media. It’s a remarkable jacket that was on a crazy sale and I wanted all my babes to get their hands on it. I officially have the purple AND the black version, best decision EVAR!!!

Then, there’s these amazing pair of jeans that I had my eye on for a minute when they first came out. The combo of the rose embroidery and stud situation is EVERYTHANG! The top, in all of its sparkly glory, has a shiny silver thread tightly woven throughout, and I’m just sad these images don’t do it justice.

The shades are a vintage inspired pair that I copped from Buffalo Exchange for cheap dollars and cheap cents (also one of the best purchases ever), and the studded sneakers were purchased from a Macy’s Backstage in Queens for only twenty five buckaroos. All of these pieces fit together perfectly as the complete picture of more is more, which is my aesthetic most times.

When I tell you it’s imperative that I find pieces that give me all of the #Swagu for little to no effort…hunnyyyyy…..trust and believe. So look out for a post to come that will give you a list of some pieces I would classify as said hero-pieces, it will be an ongoing series so don’t fret m loves.

Get your pockets ready.

What I’m Wearing:

Sunnies from Buffalo Exchange. $9.50 (Similar HERE, HERE, & HERE)
Jacket from Ashleystewart.com. $45 (Similar HERE)
Necklace from Telco. $7
Top from Target. $10 (Clearance, alternatives HERE, & HERE)
Jeans from Forever21.com. $22 (On sale, No longer available, Alternatives HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE & HERE)
Sam Edleman studded sneakers. $25 (Clearance from Macy’s Backstage, Alternatives HERE, HERE, & HERE)

BOYSENBERRY BITCH.

STAR STUDDED.

Do you ever feel yourself drifting into a rut? Or….I don’t know….like life is far too overwhelming with the day to day that you find yourself almost paralyzed with the task of figuring out how to stunt on these hoes on a regular basis?