by Jamila Pierre

Sooooo, I've been away for some time, the posts and social media activity has decreased exponentially...it is with good reason.  Sorry for being M.I.A.

For the past few years (almost three), I've suffered from CSF leaks. In this time I have been knocked down by this invisible illness, but I've also pushed through. I created this blog shortly before the proverbial shit hit the fan, and when I fell ill, my very prominent stubborn side refused to just go down without a fight. I did everything I could, even at the detriment to my feeling good, to maintain who I was and set out to be. I didn't want to lose myself to this sickness.

I continued on with the blog, I worked as a content creator for an online publication and worked my way up to executive editor, I pursued my goal of relaunching a new YouTube channel, I stayed present with all aspects of my social media, I continued my work as a creative/ photographer, I worked as a medical secretary, and I occasionally went out to enjoy the relationships that I hold dear.

During these past few years, I did my very best NOT to let this illness tear me and what made me who I am, apart. It was extremely tough, I had many breakdowns, I wanted to give up so many times and be the cat under the couch so they can die in peace (still do, every day is a battle and a work in progress), and I've been out for the count so many times that it's a miracle that I was able to accomplish as much as I have.


I remember the nights of pushing out content when I literally couldn't lift my head from my desk and the mere act of sitting (let alone standing) made my eyes feel like they were going to pop out of my head. I remember conference calls during the height of my headaches, going to work and dealing with patients no matter how shitty I felt, the many evenings I'd travel home from work and could barely stand. I remember not being able to climb my stairs....or those few times I had to go up one stair at a time with my butt because I felt I would faint or I'd experience excruciating pain if I stood. I had to crawl into my home, and if you know me and my germaphobia....you know I wanted to just die.

And the thing is...I'm still dealing with those things today, many doctors appointments later. I've had tests run, dealt with shitty medical services, been brushed off, been looked at and judged because I'm fat (even though with the exception of this invisible illness...I am fuckin' healthy as an ox, and they have the medical records to prove that), I've had spinal taps, MRI's, MRV's, I've been microwaved to infinity and beyond, I've been told it was a tension headache and had to fight and be my own advocate to get the proper scans to finally get the right diagnosis, I've even had a blood patch....and still....here we are. 


And with all of this sadness, pain, and a complete dismantling of who I am as a person and the will to go on, I do, I keep going. I want nothing more than to be back to normal, to understand why this has happened, to be able to make up for all the time lost and missed opportunities...but the road ahead is long. 

For every post you see, every outfit I donn, every interaction, every outing, it took/ takes all of me. I do it because as much as I want to give up...I just can't seem to. 

I wanted to talk about what's been going on with me because I know so many others out there can relate, and I plan to go into greater detail at a later date because with all of the research I've done...I haven't run across anything that mirrors my experience. I want to be able to give someone the relief in knowing that someone else is going through the same thing, if they were to ever be searching. It's something I have yet to feel. 

So look forward to a video post on my YouTube channel that will explain everything.


What I'm Wearing:

  1. Shades from Buffalo Exchange. $9 (Another option, HERE)
  2. Necklace from the wholesale district. $3(Another option, HERE
  3. Tank top from OldNavy. $7
  4. Plaid shirt from Ironfistclothing, by way of hottopic.com. $28 (On Sale) (Another option, HERE, and HERE)
  5. Bracelet from Burlington Coat Factory. $7
  6. Jeans from Target. $34 (Gifted) (Another option, HERE)
  7. Boots from Charlotterusse.com. $15 (On sale from $45)