Happy Birthday to me...
I went to sleep last night to the thought of what was to come today, I was turning twenty nine and I felt nothing. I thought I'd have some tantrum due to the idea of getting older, but I felt nothing. I think it's because I've spent many years of my life feeling like I was already thirty and sometimes eighty. I was used to people telling me that I had an old soul and it was a running inside joke my friends and I had where we would consider ourselves much, much older than we were, and with that in mind... I felt nothing...
I woke up this morning and rolled over towards the love of my life and spooned him for a little longer than usual, I thought maybe it had something to do with how cute he looked in a little ball next to me, but then it dawned on me that maybe it was my way of not facing the day. Could it be, was I beginning to feel...something?
At some point, and I don't remember how or when, I ended up on the far end of my bed in a ball myself, being woken up by the blinds being light up with the awakening of the sky and to my husband singing a little birthday ditty. I couldn't help but let a smile slip from my lips before I even attempted to open my eyes and when I finally did, I was greeted by those pretty little Bambi eyes I adore so much. He said, "It's your birthday." I threw the covers back over my face and he continued to sing his little song. I had all these plans for the day and at this point sitting at home doing nothing, like I do almost every birthday, was sounding OH SOOOO GOOD.
Finally, after shitting around and making excuses for myself, I picked my humdrum arse out of bed and got myself primped for my birthday celebration. I took a shower, got dressed and began the grueling twenty year process of applying makeup.
This sounds very depressing doesn't it?
I turned on the mirror light and gazed at my face for a while, trying to gauge how much I've aged within a matter of a few hours. Not much. I then had a thought, could I really be upset about aging?
Then I dissected some more.
I don't necessarily think I have an issue with getting older in appearance as much as what getting older actually means. I think I'm most afraid that I've gotten older and I haven't done enough in the time I've spent on this planet, and that I haven't touched enough lives, thus making me feel somewhat unfulfilled. I've spent a good portion of my life in self-reflection and have come to the realization throughout that time that I want to really help people. I also think that's why the whole idea of a blog came about for me.
When I was done putting on my face and the rest of my outfit, there was my husband with a smile on his face, just looking at me. I already knew what he was going to say, I already knew exactly what he was thinking, and it in-turn put a smile on my face. He has a way of doing that, he can just make me feel so damn beautiful with just a look.
When we finally arrived at our destination, got our seats, and placed out order, I had a moment to really think back at all my years here. I realized that i can't dwell on what it is I don't have, I can only improve upon myself as best as I can with the time I was allotted here on this earth. I can only hope that I touch the life of at least one person, motivate one person, make one person laugh or smile, and continue to do my best to spread that to as many people as possible. This realization isn't a new one for me, as are many of the realizations I will express me having on this blog, it's rather a reminder of something I already knew. I just need a wake up call from time to time.
I looked over at my husband as the food arrived at our table and I exhaled, because I'm in awe at how blessed I am to have as much as I do and I should never take that for granted. I suggest that you take a moment to reflect as well and don't just wait till your personal "New Years" starts, to do so. Even the most down and out person has something to be thankful for.